I can't believe I forgot to post yesterday! It was my 5th anniversary of the mass hemorrhaging in my brain. In a month I will have the anniversary of my surgery. That marks the real survival date for me. I lived through the hemorrhage and then an extensive brain surgery that could just as easily taken my life.
It was a huge turning point in my life. I quite literally became an altered person and for that reason, it wasn't a one time event but an ongoing event in my life. I had 24 years to get used to who I was before it happened, and now it's still taking time to get used to myself. It's especially hard to remember who I was before and wishing I still had some of the attributes that were lost. As hard as I have tried, I can't be that person again, partly because some of it was taken from me and partly because of the trial its self.
I mostly miss the fire inside me. The drive that I used to have. The way I could articulately express my feelings and my ideas. I used to be able to create as well, mostly through art but in other ways too. I found joy in it and I could come up with whatever the mind could give me. Now- nothing. BUT, I am here and I am happy about it. Life is good and there are new things I have found to fill the void of the things I lost....like running and the many activities I get to do with my kids. I am most grateful to Mike. It's a never ending 20 questions game around him. He answers the same questions over and over again until I can remember the answers and fills in a lot of blanks for me. There are times that I don't understand conversations I have had with people and it's nice to be able to ask him what the other person was talking about. He knows how to explain things to me and is not judgemental. It's therapeutic for me to be able to talk about this and really remind myself that I am here for a purpose. I wouldn't want to ever relive it, but I wouldn't change it either. Now on to the next 5 years.
2 comments:
I never realized that anything was different with your abilities. I didn't know that some things had been lost. That would be hard. I just see a very good mom and a person who has her life pretty well organized and full. I don't know how you do it all. You seem to always be busy doing something good. And you are good at it too.
Well you're still the same wonderful Hayley that I love. But I know what you mean about changing because of something. Sometimes I look back on my life before I got sick as if it was a dream or something. It's so strange how things can change. I can't believe it has been five years. I remember talking to you when you were in the hospital and you told me what had happened. I remember going out of my mind with worry about you. Five years! Crazy.
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